Skip Navigation

Top Menu

Home Archives About
 
 

Home

Writing Timeless Stories October 7, 2014

Over my book-free weekend, I tried a lot of things I haven't done since I started obsessing over fiction writing and publishing. I went out on a Friday-night date with Sweetie, in which we ate food I didn't make from a box and engaged in a refreshing round of moral indignation over the Halloween costumes at Fred Meyer (fake foam muscles sewn into superhero costumes for young boys, sultry figure-hugging vampiress dresses for little girls...no wonder we all have body image issues!). I played a terrible video game. I even ate three meals per day.

And on Saturday, I watched an HGTV show on Netflix. (Here's where I begin my illustrative philosophizing. If you don't care for philosophizing, skip down to the header in bold, where I get to the point.)

The last time I saw an HGTV show was when Sweetie and I were in college. I watched the home-buying shows—House Hunters, My First House, Property Virgins—because I liked to imagine living in exotic locales. Montana, Chicago, Hawaii, Puerto Rico, New Zealand....

Here's how a typical episode of Property Virgins or its ilk would go.

A pair of fresh-faced newlyweds is looking for a modest starter home. The realtor shows them a beautiful house in an upscale neighborhood. The couple's faces fall when they hear the asking price. "Whoa, that's way out of our price range."

The realtor flashes a cloyingly maternal smile. "You're focusing too much on the big, scary total. Over a thirty-year mortgage, you'll pay only twenty more dollars a month! You can afford twenty dollars a month, right?"

The newlyweds look at each other uncertainly. "Um, I guess that's doable. Yeah. We can afford that."

Cut to a coffee shop, where the realtor meets the couple to discuss the purchasing negotiations. She says, "The sellers won't take a cent less than $320k."

The husband, who originally wanted something around $250k, attempts to put his foot down. "We can't pay more than $310k, tops. I think we should keep looking."

Then the wife gets tearful. "But I love this house! It's our dream house! I can go back to work. I can get another line of credit. I'll do whatever it takes!"

The realtor nods sympathetically. She gives the husband a lecture about how real estate is an investment and he needs to think about his family's future. She reminds him that five other buyers are dying to get this house, and he'll lose it forever if he doesn't put in a strong offer today.

One scene cut later, the newlyweds have spent $350k they don't have. Yay! They got the house! Hugs and cheers all around.

Then 2008 happened. Surprise, surprise.

Fast forward to Saturday. The show I watched was Property Brothers. Twin brothers, realtor Drew and contractor Jonathan, help couples choose and renovate their new homes.

This show always begins with a "reality check" segment. The brothers lead a couple around the American Dream Home—spacious bedrooms, bathrooms with jacuzzi tubs and heated floors, enormous backyards with elegant decks and beautiful swimming pools. At the end of the tour, Drew reveals how much this palace costs. Jaws drop.

"Reality check! You can't afford this. You need to come down from the clouds and look at the properties within your reach."

Then the brothers show the couple some homes that are, to put it kindly, total dumps. The couples wrinkle their noses and say, "But it's ugly!"

And the brothers smack 'em down with, "This house is $20k under your budget. The structure is sound. With some smart renovations and elbow grease, you can make this place look just as good as the other one." For the rest of the show, they assemble the couple's "dream home" at bargain rates, demonstrating that you don't need to break the bank to live in style.

The moral of the story: times change. Prevailing attitudes change with them.

Now here's your header in bold.

What does this have to do with writing?

Some entertainment ages well. Much doesn't. People today relate better to some books published in 1890 than they do to books published in 1990. Classic movies from the 1930s seem more modern than many from the 2010s. Viewers loved HGTV's pushy realtors in 2007, but by 2011 they were tuning in to Property Brothers instead.

Why? Why have Jane Austen novels from the 1810s remained popular for a solid 200 years, despite massive changes in fashion and technology and cultural attitudes, while Nora Roberts novels from the 1980s are hilariously dated? Why are His Girl Friday (1940) and The Lady Eve (1941) still fresher and funnier than 27 Dresses (2008) or Bride Wars (2009)?

Here's my theory: the books and movies that survive feature rich stories and characters that will be entertaining no matter where or when you put them. But the books and movies that do well for a few months before fading from collective memory were designed to be popular, not good. They were created to capitalize on trends, and trends will always go out of style.

Unfortunately, the literary market—like every other market—is driven by trends. Many agents and publishers don't seem to want anything but the sexy genres of the here and now. That's because publishing houses exist to make money, not to throw it out the window. They have to make products that people will buy, and people buy what's in vogue.

Many people around you will insist that because this is the way the world works, you need to follow the trends. They'll say you need to write to genre—and not just any genre, but the hot! hot! hot! genres.

If you don't write to genre, they'll question your maturity and intelligence. They'll scoff, "Personally, I think it's a waste of time to write books that won't sell. You can do it if you want, but you'll never make a living that way. Don't quit your day job, little dreamer."

The people who say these things to you, unprompted, are disingenuous and frankly rude. Their words don't stem from any altruistic concern for your career, but from their own insecurities. They're afraid people judge them for "selling out," so they feel the need to justify their decisions by making you feel bad about yours.

They're also shortsighted. No must-read classic in any genre follows a formula more specific than beginning, middle, end (and maybe, loosely, "detective catches the villain," "hero saves the world," or "heroine gets the guy"). Enterprising authors may make some quick dough by copycatting Twilight with another paranormal teen romance, Hunger Games with another dystopian adventure, or Gone Girl with another twisted thriller, but nobody will respect or remember them.

In fact, these novels will already be "so last year" by the time they're published. If you've heard of the next big trend, it's already over. Hundreds of authors have already jumped on the derivative bandwagon, and there's no room left for you.

The books people remember are the ones that broke the mold. These books didn't follow the trends; they set them. They were rejected over and over by publishers because they were too unique and, therefore, posed too great a risk. Meg Cabot collected so many rejection letters that the US postal bag she keeps them in is too heavy to carry. Publishers told Dr. Seuss that his children's books were "too different from other juveniles on the market." Jasper Fforde received 76 rejections over 11 years before he sold The Eyre Affair. The list goes on and on.

If you love writing in a certain genre, by all means, go for it. Most genres leave plenty of room for fun and originality—I've read some amazing romances and cozy mysteries—it's just that the mercenaries give genres a bad name by gunking up the market with tired cliches. (Your heroine's love interest doesn't have to be an arrogant, brooding, sexually aggressive jerk with a wounded heart of gold. I swear.)

But if you're tempted to write to genre because people have told you that's where the money is, don't. Just don't.

1. It takes months, if not years, to write and publish a quality book. That's a lot of time and sweat to pour into something you don't much like.

2. You probably won't succeed. The competition for sales in the popular genres is extremely fierce. You think you can make easy money by going head-to-head with Debbie Macomber, James Patterson, or Stephen King? You think you can beat thousands of other mainstream writers who were all at the top of their English programs and have spent twenty years learning how to write the best books they can? Not only will you compromise yourself and make yourself miserable, but you'll do it all for nothing.

3. If, on the off chance, you do succeed in your trendy genre, your career will peak at the midlist. The very goal of your approach is mediocrity—to secure your living by giving the people what they claim to want, never pushing yourself or the envelope by taking risks. You may think you're being "realistic," but in the long term, you're only boxing yourself in.

And no, you can't say, "Once I'm an established author, I can write what I really want." That's not how it works. Once you start pumping out those bestsellers, you have to keep pumping out those bestsellers to stay in the game. Your publisher and fans will strongly encourage you to keep writing the same stuff you've written before. Even J. K. Rowling had to wave hi and bye to her experimental literary career.

I know it's tempting to cave to the pressure. You see all these writers skyrocketing to the top of the rankings with books very different from yours, and you feel like the only way to succeed must be to write the same things they do. But chasing the fads won't guarantee financial success—it will only guarantee that by 2030, your novels will be as hokey as leg warmers and scrunchies are today. The word "vampire" is already a punchline. Do you want to be a punchline? Didn't think so.

The Waiting Game October 3, 2014

Some people are very bad at playing the waiting game. I am one of those people.

Patience is not among my virtues. I may write slowly (at least according to the I-can-finish-a-draft-in-30-days crowd), but I do everything else quickly. I read quickly, I code quickly, and I even eat quickly, much to the annoyance of my digestive system. I'm not particularly good at these things—I just have the patience of a five-year-old. If my brain is not fully absorbed in something interesting for more than two minutes, I'm bursting through Sweetie's office door whining, "I'm booored!"

So waiting four to six weeks for responses from literary agents is torturous for me and all unfortunate acquaintances in the vicinity. For the first two, I spent much of each day constantly checking my email and refreshing a website where other writers log their querying activities and results. I re-read my query and manuscript repeatedly, second-guessing every sentence. I pored over my favorite agents' blogs and Twitter accounts for clues as to when I might hear back. "This one's at a conference. That one's busy with a book launch. Ooh, this one's tweeting about query pet peeves; she might be reading them! I'll check my email again."

And then when I do, on occasion, receive a response, I get all excited for a split second before I see "Dear Author, Thank you for your query." Cue the trombone: wah wah waaaah. Then cue the inhalation of a layered cheesecake-and-chocolate-pudding pie, which, unfortunately, is not as great a combination as it looked online.

At least I'm not as crazy as the others. Some of my fellow queriers resemble lovelorn youths reading into every word and glance from an unrequited crush.

The rejections everyone else received said, "Your novel is charming, but I don't feel I'm the right agent to represent it." My rejection said, "Your novel is very charming, but I don't feel I'm the right agent to represent it." VERY charming! He loved it!

This agent sent me an email suggesting that I hire a ghostwriter. Not a form letter, a personal email. She must be really interested in my idea! I should rewrite the query and submit it again!

Other writers had to wait a week to be rejected by this agent. But she rejected me within an hour. That means my query was intriguing enough to read and respond to ASAP! It's a good sign, right? Right?

Before I sink to those pitiful depths, I have requested that Sweetie blacklist all of the query critiquing and agent tracking sites, plus a few writing blogs, from our home network. Now when I try to access them, a black and red WEBSITE BLOCKED screen chastises me for being weak.

And, as I just decided last night, I'm going to take the opportunity to duck out of the publishing world for one solid weekend. No literary blogs or forums, no Twitter, no guilty feelings for failing to dive right into my next book, which everyone says I need to do now now now. This is going to be a 100% neurosis-free retreat.

I will instead...

  1. Follow Luna's lead and take naps in front of the fire.
  2. Play video games. Sweetie installed three detective adventure games on my computer, so I have plenty of dead bodies to find and culprits to corner.
  3. Make a different pie. Maybe something with pumpkin. As soon as the temperature drops, I get pumpkin on the brain.

Funny Bits 09-25-14: John Green September 25, 2014

On Monday, a Riverside Unified School District committee voted six to one to ban The Fault in Our Stars from middle school libraries. The six in favor argued that (a) the book implies that the protagonists have sex, a subject of which kids today are blissfully ignorant, and (b) the fictional portrayal of cancer patients "dealing with their own mortality" is too "difficult" for preteens.

My reaction: "OMG, a few middle schools still have libraries?"

John Green's reaction:

I guess I am both happy and sad.

I am happy because apparently young people in Riverside, California will never witness or experience mortality since they won't be reading my book, which is great for them.

But I am also sad because I was really hoping I would be able to introduce the idea that human beings die to the children of Riverside, California and thereby crush their dreams of immortality.